Transformers: Dark of the Moon

"Transformers: Dark of the Moon"
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Frances McDormand, Patrick Dempsey, John Malkovich, Alan Tudyk, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Ken Jeong, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson
Directed by: Michael Bay
157 minutes
2011/USA

The most unnerving and perpetually nagging thing about this franchise is that it continually fails to clean up its mistakes from film to film. There's no question that the previous entry Revenge of the Fallen, owns some kind of award for being the most incomprehensible mainstream cinematic mess in recent years. One would think that Michael Bay, the arrogant and stingy personality that he is, would at least recognize some of the previous films faults, and improve upon them in Dark of the Moon. No such luck here, as what started out as shaky, but agreeable, would once again quickly turn into a loud bludgeoning disaster.

I'll give this film one thing, it's not quite the overall disaster that Revenge of the Fallen was, but right after I snapped my 3D glasses into 10 pieces before the film ended, I immediately felt bad for every person lined up outside for the midnight show as my friend and I bolted out of the theater and the parking lot. Someone will find the glasses I broke, either a Regal employee or some random person, I can only hope that they too would be just as outraged after spending nearly $15 to watch jokes fall flat, zero semblance of a cohesive narrative, and every other thing that could possibly go wrong with a film.

The truth is, this film has way too many mouths to feed, and it becomes increasingly tiresome. This film only adds to the laundry list of minor actors and their throwaway roles throughout this trilogy. I suppose the studio is to blame for this recurring theme of stuffing actors like John Malkovich and Alan Tudyk into these films. It's all laughable and beefs up the filler to an overwhelming extent. But, what do we care, we're here for the action right? Yeah, I was too, and I'd recommend walking into your screening with 45 minutes or roughly an hour left. Everything prior to the "Chicago getting obliterated" set piece is assembly line Bay horseshit without the slightest hint of turning to a friend and saying "that was pretty cool."

There's really no point in trying to explain the film's plot. It's the Autobots vs the Decepticons once again, except the stakes are ramped up a notch or two, cool right? What is it with these Summer blockbusters trying to interject the narrative into past historical events? X-Men: First Class did it with the Cuban Missile Crisis, and Dark of the Moon touches upon it with the U.S. Space Race in the 60s. It's really not something to get too worked up over, but it makes me wonder how lazy these screenwriters actually are. Lame ideas like the ones just mentioned are what serve as a detriment to most of these bottom feeding Summer films, especially Dark of the Moon. Bay's pension for musical cues, slow motion, and close ups are all intact here, I think he even uses a song from one of his earlier action films here, the mind wanders.

I do not go into something like this wanting so badly to dislike it. I had heard from people that I trust that it was mindless fun, good, fine, I'll take that most days. The problem with Dark of the Moon is that it's a watered down version of Revenge of the Fallen, repeating all of its mistakes, but not on a colossally bad level. For those wondering, Bay treats the Meghan Fox stand-in Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in the same regard that Fox eventually grew to be fed up with. This new girl, positively stunning (no surprise) carries the same presence as Fox I suppose, serving mostly as eye-candy and nothing more.

I'm not a huge admirer of LaBeouf, but he certainly has some talent. Now that he's gathered his plentiful paychecks, it'll be interesting to see where his career goes from here. One could envision him doing smaller passion projects, or it would come as no surprise if he continues down the path of a marketable young lead that just wants to do action/thrillers for the rest of his life. I wish him luck, as for Bay, well, he'll continue to spew out the same forgettable garbage, representing some sort of James Cameron underling without the slightest hint of visual storytelling. If you enjoy cheap jokes, bloated thrills, and every other countless element that makes a film awful, then you'll enjoy Dark of the Moon. If you find other broken glasses on the floor, at least pick them up and dispose of them, for you are truly classier than I am.

Grade: 2/5